Posts Tagged ‘Mental Health’

I’ve not been having a great time.

We missed out on an apartment a little over a month ago – it’s a long, complicated story – but I was so looking forward to having my own space. My own breathing room. I’m currently still living at home, in a small bedroom/bathroom that was built under my parents’ elevated house a few years ago. Think smaller than most hotel rooms. At least hotel rooms that I would actually stay in.

To add insult to injury, another apartment in the same small block came on the market last weekend. It’s the same layout, but three floors lower than the apartment we had an offer on. It’s selling for almost $100k more. Ouch. I guess I can’t say I’m that surprised though – we would have got the apartment for a bargain price – most apartments in the block didn’t sell for less than $600k, but the owner was interstate and wanted to sell quickly … the Darwin real estate market is really booming – so much is happening, and the prices will only continue to rise.

I’ve been working 11 hour days, just for the breathing room. I’m exhausted all the time. I’m irritable. I don’t have the brainspace for real conversation.

Nick’s parents have offered to sell us their house, and I’m so desperate to move out of home and have my own space, that I’d almost consider it. But it doesn’t feel right. I would always feel like a visitor. But that might be an improvement on how I feel now.

I cry all the time. I’m miserable. There isn’t anything that I look forward to any more. My health isn’t terrific, both mental and physical. My stomach hurts all the time – I’m starting to think I’ve given myself an ulcer. I make and break appointments with my Doctor.

I miss my brother. I miss my friends in NSW. I wish I had the energy and or the inclination to write, but I don’t. I wish I had that same inclination to eat, but it’s exhausting. I can’t make any more decisions.

My current contract ends in the first week of August, so I’m on the hunt for work. Again. I’m tired of temporary contracts. I just can’t write any more Selection Criteria. Or go through any more interviews.

I don’t have any more to give. I’m barely surviving. When is it going to get easier? I keep treading water, hoping that it will, but after a decade of feeling … like this … I just want to know – when will things get easier? When will it be my turn? Where’s my break?

*exhales*

End whinge.

It was at that moment, that Ronald knew he had a problem.. And it wasn't the drugs.

Turns out, I’m not sick… I’m a f’cking junkie!

I awoke this morning, and actually felt somewhat human. Then I got out of bed. Lying in the shower, wondering if the blade in my disposable razor was enough to slice my head off, it dawned on me.

After a little googling at work, and a quick visit to the GP across from work, my suspicions were confirmed.

The aches, stomach cramps, nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, sweating, sleeplessness, fatigue, shakes, chills, muscle spasms? Withdrawal symptoms from coming off Aropax.

I’ve been tapering off my anti-depressants for about a month – under the supervision of my regular GP – and took the last dose a week ago. Apparently, Aropax is one of the worst SSRI’s to come down off.

I’ve been told this is what it feels like to come down from heroin. I certainly won’t be chasing the f’cking dragon any time in this existence.